… tooo much?
 I have no idea what I should feel today.. honestly said, I actually feel numb.. I would want to lay down in bed, sleep as long as I can and think just nothing.. I would also want to cry for as long as I feel nothing anymore.. Since I know how long I have to wait until I can go on my driving exam again, I feel guilty… It’s costing so much money, I wish I could save some money for our holiday, but from how I see it at this point, I will have to buy more driving lessons, so use my money on that one.. I have very mixed feelings about this, and the fact that my mom doesn’t react _at_all, makes me feel even more insecure.. But it’s not only on that matter where things aren’t going like it should.. Although I have a bunch of wonderful colleagues, I don’t really feel very close to them.. I mean, on my previous work, I had some really good colleagues, who became good friends.. Friends on whom I could(and still can) built, who let me be, who I am.. Even if that means that I’m a little down at the moment.. They will always try to chear me up, but if it’s not working, they just let me be.. I have been sitting mostly silently at my desk today.. Besides of the customers I spoke to then.. During lunch break, I did talk some, but somehow it’s different.. I can’t explain.. I often felt alone today.. very alone, although I’m not.. At times, I do feel alone.. Whenever I feel so down, the only thing I want to do, is put my diet on the side and start eating anything, as long as it has a present taste.. But I managed to get my head off something like that, and just take a cup of soup.. This does fit into my diet and isn’t very harmful for it.. Something else, which sometimes flashes through my head whenever I feel so low, is to cut again.. I learnt that although this may seem a good idea at this moment, some time later today, I will regret it.. I have been cutting free for more then 3 years now.. and I want to make it further.. but sometimes, it could be such a relief.. to go back and forth with that sharp thing.. and slowly see how your arm reacts to it and how it’s getting send to your brain.. those pain pulses..
But I also try to keep my head free from those thoughts.. I just let me think about it, and then I take a look at the scar I have on my wrist.. and then, somehow it starts hurting again.. I don’t know what is causing that, maybe my brains, I don’t know. but somehow it all helps me to stop thinking those things..
I often wish there was a button, to just stop my thoughts from thinking anything at all.. But I haven’t found it yet.. Perhaps you know?!