Author: Sarah

Today was a day, where I got up, not knowing what to feel…       On the one hand, I was feeling happy and excited and on the other hand, I was feeling really nervous and afraid to feel/be disappointed again.. because today was the day that I had to do my driving exam again. Again, because I had already done it on June 14th and then I didn’t pass the exam. The lady who examined me then, said that I was still too uncertain and not sure enough of my decissions that I made while driving in traffic. I was really disappointed then and I really wondered if I could get that certainty within a few lessons.  Either way, I asked for a new date for my 2nd driving exam and I got August 23rd. I was very sad about this, as it was taking another 2 months before I could give it another try. This would mean that I would also have to keep busy with driving and buying extra lessons and not being able to start saving for my holiday in September. All in all, this idea made me really down..  So I decided to call the school where I get the driving lessons from and asked if there was a possibility to do the exam earlier. The lady I spoke to said that she couldn’t decide that, but that I had to call back the next day as the lady who arranges everything with exams, would be there then and I could speak directly to her. And so I called again the next day..

She told me I could do the exam on July 16th. I was very happy with this and almost already started to feel stressed as that would be in less than 2 weeks! I took some extra lessons, and then it was July 16th. I slept really bad that night.. So bad that I was actually happy that I only had to work in the mornings and had the afternoon off. I only had to do my exam at 3.50PM, but when I got home, I had my lunch and then I decided to sleep about an hour. To be honest, I was really happy I could do so, as I felt so tired that morning while being at work…

After getting to know the lady who would examine me this time, I could start driving. The lady was very relaxed and had told me that if I didn’t want to talk, that was fine, but if I wanted to talk that was fine too.. So at times, it stayed silent in the car and at times, we talked some.. Either way, she wasn’t making things easy on me as I had to do the special manoevres again. I have to do 2 of them and do them correctly in a maximum of 2 tries. The first one that I got was parking backwards in a parking spot. If the parking spot is on the right side of you. I’ve always found this the hardest one of the 9 you have to know. But I did it many times during my lessons, so I could place the car correctly in the parking spot with only trying once! I was really proud of myself, but I had to continue driving as I wasn’t finished yet!  Not much later, I had to do the second special manouvre. I had to turn the car in a really small street with driving back and forth in only 3 times. I never found this one really hard, so I also managed to do this in trying once. The remainder of the hour that I had to drive, went fine as well. Only 1 time I was thinking that I had to come back again, because I had made the decision to stop, but in the end I continued driving…  When I was finished driving, I had to leave the car and the man who taught me to drive along with the lady who examined me. After waiting approx 5 minutes, they came out of the car and we had to go back inside to talk the exam through.. But she started with congratulating me! I was so happy, I didn’t knew how to react. She said that I was at times, still uncertain and so that I have to keep practising and driving a lot. In the end it will be better after more experience, but that will only come with driving as often as I can! She said that if I’d fail again and would have to come back a 3rd time, I would also start to feel even more and more insecure.. and she said that that was certainly something they didn’t want to have.

I feel soooooooo happy with this achievement and I’m really proud of myself!! 🙂 Now I have to ask my driving license at the town council and I have to wait for my car to arrive 🙂 (Patience, patience!!)

Somehow today isn’t going like I want it to go.. Some things I say, just don’t sound like they sounded in my head.. Some of them even hurt people.. And I care about others.. So I don’t like the fact that not everything is going like I want it to go..  At work, to my colleagues, it’s not always like it should..  Somethimes I feel all alone, although the colleagues I have are wonderful.. (but not everyone works 40 hours a week, the same way as i do..) but still, at times I feel alone.. This noon, it seems everyone had something else then eating lunch.. As I was a bit lazy this morning and didn’t make any lunch to take with me, I was alone to have lunch… In the end I made a small walk and went nearby to a small lunchroom where I bought a sandwich..

It tasted really good, although I already feel almost ashamed of myself that I have eaten it.. it’s not fitting with the things I’m learning from Weight Watchers.. And it’s all going so well, if you see my weight.. So I should stick to it.. I’m almost halfway, so I need to keep up with it! But then at times, it’s no fun to disappoint people or make them sad.. Because then I feel sad too, and that’s the hardest time for me and my weight..

 Tonight we go to the sneakpreview.. I look forward to it.. Nothing at my head! (If it’s a good movie!)

Hurray!

… tooo much?

 I have no idea what I should feel today.. honestly said, I actually feel numb.. I would want to lay down in bed, sleep as long as I can and think just nothing.. I would also want to cry for as long as I feel nothing anymore.. Since I know how long I have to wait until I can go on my driving exam again, I feel guilty… It’s costing so much money, I wish I could save some money for our holiday, but from how I see it at this point, I will have to buy more driving lessons, so use my money on that one.. I have very mixed feelings about this, and the fact that my mom doesn’t react _at_all, makes me feel even more insecure.. But it’s not only on that matter where things aren’t going like it should.. Although I have a bunch of wonderful colleagues, I don’t really feel very close to them.. I mean, on my previous work, I had some really good colleagues, who became good friends.. Friends on whom I could(and still can) built, who let me be, who I am.. Even if that means that I’m a little down at the moment.. They will always try to chear me up, but if it’s not working, they just let me be..  I have been sitting mostly silently at my desk today.. Besides of the customers I spoke to then.. During lunch break, I did talk some, but somehow it’s different.. I can’t explain.. I often felt alone today.. very alone, although I’m not.. At times, I do feel alone..  Whenever I feel so down, the only thing I want to do, is put my diet on the side and start eating anything, as long as it has a present taste.. But I managed to get my head off something like that, and just take a cup of soup.. This does fit into my diet and isn’t very harmful for it.. Something else, which sometimes flashes through my head whenever I feel so low, is to cut again.. I learnt that although this may seem a good idea at this moment, some time later today, I will regret it.. I have been cutting free for more then 3 years now.. and I want to make it further.. but sometimes, it could be such a relief.. to go back and forth with that sharp thing.. and slowly see how your arm reacts to it and how it’s getting send to your brain.. those pain pulses..

But I also try to keep my head free from those thoughts.. I just let me think about it, and then I take a look at the scar I have on my wrist.. and then, somehow it starts hurting again.. I don’t know what is causing that, maybe my brains, I don’t know. but somehow it all helps me to stop thinking those things..

I often wish there was a button, to just stop my thoughts from thinking anything at all.. But I haven’t found it yet.. Perhaps you know?!

Most of you know what I mean with this title.. It’s all about driving a car!! I’m currently taking driving lessons, in hopes to get my license. I have to say that they are very severe if it’s not good enough -yet-. At times this makes me really sad, because I find it it’s not that bad and sometimes I’m too hard on myself and too much a perfectionist which makes that if I do something like it shouldn’t be done -but it’s not wrong- I still feel like it’s a terrible mistake that I made..

On the one hand, I would love to have my license as fast as I can and on the other hand, I just want to be able to drive well.. Something else that bothers me is the fact that if I have to do a driving exam, I drive really bad because of the nerves and stress I feel.. Let’s hope it wants to go away! 🙂 Keep you fingers crossed!!