Sarah writes

… tooo much?

 I have no idea what I should feel today.. honestly said, I actually feel numb.. I would want to lay down in bed, sleep as long as I can and think just nothing.. I would also want to cry for as long as I feel nothing anymore.. Since I know how long I have to wait until I can go on my driving exam again, I feel guilty… It’s costing so much money, I wish I could save some money for our holiday, but from how I see it at this point, I will have to buy more driving lessons, so use my money on that one.. I have very mixed feelings about this, and the fact that my mom doesn’t react _at_all, makes me feel even more insecure.. But it’s not only on that matter where things aren’t going like it should.. Although I have a bunch of wonderful colleagues, I don’t really feel very close to them.. I mean, on my previous work, I had some really good colleagues, who became good friends.. Friends on whom I could(and still can) built, who let me be, who I am.. Even if that means that I’m a little down at the moment.. They will always try to chear me up, but if it’s not working, they just let me be..  I have been sitting mostly silently at my desk today.. Besides of the customers I spoke to then.. During lunch break, I did talk some, but somehow it’s different.. I can’t explain.. I often felt alone today.. very alone, although I’m not.. At times, I do feel alone..  Whenever I feel so down, the only thing I want to do, is put my diet on the side and start eating anything, as long as it has a present taste.. But I managed to get my head off something like that, and just take a cup of soup.. This does fit into my diet and isn’t very harmful for it.. Something else, which sometimes flashes through my head whenever I feel so low, is to cut again.. I learnt that although this may seem a good idea at this moment, some time later today, I will regret it.. I have been cutting free for more then 3 years now.. and I want to make it further.. but sometimes, it could be such a relief.. to go back and forth with that sharp thing.. and slowly see how your arm reacts to it and how it’s getting send to your brain.. those pain pulses..

But I also try to keep my head free from those thoughts.. I just let me think about it, and then I take a look at the scar I have on my wrist.. and then, somehow it starts hurting again.. I don’t know what is causing that, maybe my brains, I don’t know. but somehow it all helps me to stop thinking those things..

I often wish there was a button, to just stop my thoughts from thinking anything at all.. But I haven’t found it yet.. Perhaps you know?!

Most of you know what I mean with this title.. It’s all about driving a car!! I’m currently taking driving lessons, in hopes to get my license. I have to say that they are very severe if it’s not good enough -yet-. At times this makes me really sad, because I find it it’s not that bad and sometimes I’m too hard on myself and too much a perfectionist which makes that if I do something like it shouldn’t be done -but it’s not wrong- I still feel like it’s a terrible mistake that I made..

On the one hand, I would love to have my license as fast as I can and on the other hand, I just want to be able to drive well.. Something else that bothers me is the fact that if I have to do a driving exam, I drive really bad because of the nerves and stress I feel.. Let’s hope it wants to go away! 🙂 Keep you fingers crossed!!

This is something what I often wonder.. I do this, because I don’t know what’s causing you to feel like you feel at this moment… I mean, it’s just a Sunday like so many other sundays.. Nothing special, nothing weird, no stress today, as it would be a calm and quiet day of resting and sleeping.. nothing else. And somehow, out of the blue, the headache came up again..  I wish I could understand why.. What causes this? As far as I can see, it’s work related, stress related actually.. It just happens.. it’s just there.. And then you have to go to bed, to lay down, because you can’t stay up with this terrible headache..

I often wish I could just see in your head and see what’s going through your mind. But I can… Can you?