Here I am, trying again.. trying again to keep this blog alive and updated as often as i can.. it’s so sad to see that it’s been so very long that i wrote while there has been so much to write about.. anyway since i can barely keep my eyes open and i’m more than ready for bed, I’ll end here.. hoping i won’t forget to come back here tomorrow and write more.. if you read this, goodnight!
I wish I knew why.. But I don’t .. There is no logical explanation or not just 1 reason why I feel like I feel.. I can go from one moment to the other being completely happy to terribly down.. I just can’t explain.. I don’t know why… At times I just look at my left arm.. and wonder if it would be terribly bad if I would start hurting myself.. I know it’s no use, I mean, it won’t solve anything, but it might help me in getting rid of these feelings I feel where I don’t know what to do with..
~my mind I see it going up and down my arm~
I don’t know what else I should write, my head’s a total mess.. Maybe I should just start by putting everything on order in my head and write from there.. But then again, I wish I knew where to start..
At the moment, I feel best with the song from Amanda Marshall – Beautiful Goodbye..
and secretly go sit down in a small corner..
Yes indeed.. Here I am again.. I know it’s a little longer then yesterday that I have written in my blog, but either way, I think I will just write here! 🙂
Today I have mixed feelings, partly because I’m still somewhat sick from the cold I have caught last weekend.. I have been searching all my energy together to go to work in the past few days, to be honest, Tuesday I DID feel really bad, but either way, I did go.. When I see how terrible my colleagues are working today, I wonder why I do such things.. I mean, it would have been better for me and my health that I stayed at home a day and just rested. I find it uneasy to explain why I’m staying home to my supervisor, but when I saw him playing today.. I felt really tired angry and disappointed… Most of my colleagues were running around trying to tease each other.. but it was very disturbing for the others to work then.. Anyway, let’s hope it won’t be happening tomorrow.. (To be honest, I’m afraid it will happen then as well.. but I’m glad there are still colleagues who understand how it feels like and do their best to help with all the work there is.. luckily!) as I said I feel down, disappointed and tired about this.. but on the other hand..
I feel happy! I have my very own birthday party coming up!! Soon I will be 24!Another 16 days and then it’s my day again!! My mom has asked me what I would love to have for birthday present, but to be honest, I do not know at all.. I really wish I knew, but I don’t.. There are so many things that I want to have, but they are all so very expensive or just small things I want to have that it’s hard to ask something from her. I honestly have no idea. Something I would really love to have is an MP3 player. One with a HUGE amount of space where I can put much music on.. but that more or less equals with a huge price for the device.. I also have to buy a new phone in a few months and maybe it would be an idea to have 1 device for both things.. but I certainly have no idea what it is that I would love to have..
So again.. Mixed feelings..
Let’s see what the faeries are telling me today..
“Trust Your Intuition”
Has your inner guidance been trying to get your attention lately? Perhaps a gut feeling is tugging at you like a seeing-eye dog, an inner voice has been screaming at you, or you’ve had dreams charged with profound emotions and symbolism lately. By drawing this card, you’re being urged to pay careful attention to these various forms of intuition.
Now is not the time to ignore these messages or procrastinate. Trust this inner wisdom, just as you would if it came from a respected teacher. Know that you aren’t imagining the guidance. Its powerful and repetitive voice is a sign that you are truly getting clear and trustworthy messages that are worth following.
I don’t know where I should start, nor what is best to write here and what not, but at times it feels like I have so much pain and I can’t really explain where it’s coming from..
Sometimes, I wish I had no things to worry about and I could just take my luggage and run away from all this.. But I can’t… because of too many things actually..
There are too many things that I doubt about at the moment, and there are so many things I would love to do, but none of them can be done because of no money, no time.. something in that direction..
For starters, I wish at times that I could make decissions easier.. It’s always taking so long and making me so down when I have to decide something.. Anything actually..
I work at the moment in a computer shop for technical support via the phone.. It’s almost a year that I work there and to be honest, it’s pretty easy work.. I do this 40hours a week, but it’s not my dreamjob. Oh! How I wish I actually knew what my dream job is.. but I dont.. and I don’t know how I will ever find out what I would love to do until I grow old and have to retire.. I have a degree in computer sciences to make computer programms/websites.. but I doubt that is something for me.. On the other hand, I more or less did enjoy my study on that matter, so maybe I should give it a try? I’m also terribly found of pets, especially dogs, but since I love them so much, I’m afraid to get attached to them too much, and it would tear apart my heart every time I have to make a hard decission concerning their health. So I certainly don’t want to become a vet, but I have no idea what it is that I want to become. I’m also crazy about languages, but then again, I don’t know if I’m crazy enough about it, to actually go work in it..
At times, I wish I had studied something else.. but then again, I wonder: what study?
I honestly don’t know, when I look at my sister, she tried to study languages to become a translater but failed. Now she’s trying journalism, but how long will that last and will she manage?
I admire the people who have a certain idea when they’re little and say: I want to become a doctor and in the end actually DO become a doctor and do this with a lot of love..
I don’t know what the universe has in store for me as my dreamjob.. and I only wish I knew where to look for the answer to that question..
and at times, I wish I knew what was going on with myself.. I often feel weird.. Something I have and idea in my head and then when it’s actually true, I feel really down.. I don’t know what’s the matter with me.. It almost feels like a few years ago, when I was really depressed and then I look for comfort in hurting myself with sharp things.. At times I wonder if it would all look better when I did that again.. but then I realise it’s not helping anyone at all, not even me.. It’s a moment of leaving this world, but it’s unreal.. You can’t actuyally leave the world.. you can’t just run.. although at times, it does seem the best for me..
And at times, I wish more words were spoken between my boyfriend and me.. I love him to bits and I know he does the same, but sometimes I still don’t feel like I should.. I don’t know why, I should feel happy as this is what I’ve been dreaming about for so long, but sometimes I just feel like crying..
I can’t explain why.. But I just feel like crying..
I’ll be drawing a card every time I write something in this blog, while thinking about what I wrote.. Just to know what the faeries are telling me..
I’ll be drawing a card from Healing with the Faeries from Doreen Virtue
Healing with the Faeries at Angels Play
This is my card for today:
“Dreams Come True”
Good news! The life you’ve been dreaming of is becoming a reality for you. Your affirmations, prayers, visualizations, and other positive practices and brought your dreams to fruition. Now, the fairies ask you to keep the faith. At this moment, you may be seeing glimmers of your dreams coming true. The dreams are transitioning from thought-form to etheric form, and then they’re solidifying into material form.
To make this transition successful and complete, your continued faith and prayers are needed. Ask God and the fairies to help to release you of any fears that could cause you to sabotage your success. Know that you deserve this new abundance, and that it will bring much joy to you and those in your life
To be honest, I don’t really know what this card means for me, but I think I will come to know soon..