Sarah writes

Not sure what why and how, but I feel terrible.. useless, sad, as if I’d better take my car and find the nearest tree…

I’m not sure what has caused me to feel like this, but I certainly know that the fact things are so strange at work, make me feel more unhappy and alone than happy and joyful.

In the year that I work here now, I never felt longer than a month happy with my place. I don’t know if this unhappyness means I should leave my job. I also don’t know what I should be doing then if I’d leave my job. The economic situation is currently so bad and since I’m junior in everything that I do, it will be hard and not easy to get hired somewhere. There are so many colleagues who are having a close friend, someone they work with but at the same time, feels the other one. From so many colleagues there’s not really anyone making that click. I’m too silent, shy and afraid and I am uncertain about myself, why should I be a good consultant?

There’s nothing of all my personality that is somehow fitting into the image that I have of a perfect consultant. How can I ever become one than, if I feel I don’t have any of those qualities?

Also the work that I currently do, in the year that I work here now, I have worked and saw every screen but the screens I should see. The things I applied for. The more I think about it, the more I feel like a terrible failure.

And there’s only one solution to ‘erase’ or get rid of that terrible failure….

I don’t know what to do, nor what to think or feel. But even in my private life, I barely have any close friends that I can talk to face to face. I do have some really supporting penpals, but whenever something’s wrong, I can’t call anyone to ask for any kind of help. There’s barely anyone out there for me.

The only thing that I wish for right now, is just the presence of something sharp…

… and that I can use it freely, without any doubt or anyone stopping me on my arms.

Just going up and down..

Until the pain inside of me goes away

Until it’s all gone

Until no one expects anything anymore from me

Until ….

that’s how I currently feel.. As if I cannot achieve anything in my life.. This sadness just hit me and it feels as if it will stay there for the rest of the day..

My exam, last Friday was not good, it was below average, like I always did, only now this was not enough, you need at least average to have enough and having passed that exam… I studied – I don’t know how many – hours, possibly even days to be able to get all that knowledge into my head. It seems that a big part of it was not meant to stay in there and so it vanished. Leave me alone at my exam, not knowing what to answer. I could recognize that I saw it somewhere during the studying but I couldnt see it before me anymore.. You can compare it to a part of a song that you hear on the radio but cannot recall anymore who was the artist singing nor what the title was.. that was also how I felt. Most of all, I felt and still feel like a complete loser. I skipped so many things, all to make sure that I would have more time to study, but even then it seems like it was not enough. When I think back at when I was still at university, I had subjects where I was really good at and then I scored above average, but there were sadly enough also subjects where I had below average. Back then, having scored 50% of the total was enough to be sucessfull. So no one never really bothered about below or above average. But now people do..

Thinking about work and how I have disappointed them, just breaks my heart. Especially if I see with all the things that I ‘received’ for the coming year.. I guess it was also partly based on me passing that exam. And now I didn’t and I feel like I have received to much, something that belongs to other colleagues who really deserve this much more than I do. I feel like a loser, stupid and somehow as if I’m standing all alone in this world of really smart people, with just being average smart. And right now, me feeling smart is really far away.

I wonder that perhaps this job that I’m currently doing is just too hard for me?