Category: My life

that’s how I currently feel.. As if I cannot achieve anything in my life.. This sadness just hit me and it feels as if it will stay there for the rest of the day..

My exam, last Friday was not good, it was below average, like I always did, only now this was not enough, you need at least average to have enough and having passed that exam… I studied – I don’t know how many – hours, possibly even days to be able to get all that knowledge into my head. It seems that a big part of it was not meant to stay in there and so it vanished. Leave me alone at my exam, not knowing what to answer. I could recognize that I saw it somewhere during the studying but I couldnt see it before me anymore.. You can compare it to a part of a song that you hear on the radio but cannot recall anymore who was the artist singing nor what the title was.. that was also how I felt. Most of all, I felt and still feel like a complete loser. I skipped so many things, all to make sure that I would have more time to study, but even then it seems like it was not enough. When I think back at when I was still at university, I had subjects where I was really good at and then I scored above average, but there were sadly enough also subjects where I had below average. Back then, having scored 50% of the total was enough to be sucessfull. So no one never really bothered about below or above average. But now people do..

Thinking about work and how I have disappointed them, just breaks my heart. Especially if I see with all the things that I ‘received’ for the coming year.. I guess it was also partly based on me passing that exam. And now I didn’t and I feel like I have received to much, something that belongs to other colleagues who really deserve this much more than I do. I feel like a loser, stupid and somehow as if I’m standing all alone in this world of really smart people, with just being average smart. And right now, me feeling smart is really far away.

I wonder that perhaps this job that I’m currently doing is just too hard for me?

Since the last few weeks and more precise the last few days, I’m slowly counting down more and more to September 1rst. That will be the first day of my holidays! I feel really tired and it seems I need more and more hours in a night to be more or less rested. At work it’s currently also very busy, there are days when everything is going fine and then you can just do the work you planned on doing. But at the same time, there are days when everything seems to go wrong and break, and everyone is having all kinds of questions where they need an answer on. Today was a day like that. The result is something I can feel, besides being tired, I have a terrible headache and for a reason I cannot explain, also my left hand is hurting. It’s not possible that this is due to the fact that I have used the computer mouse too much, because I do that with my right hand. I don’t really have an explanation, I think I will just keep it to being so tired!

Anywayz, let’s go to the best things; holidays!

We booked a week in France, Le Barcares, to be more precise and then we also stay 4 days in Spain,  in Tossa de Mar. In both places we booked an appartment, and so far I already did some investigation on what is there to see at those places. It certainly all seems really beautiful! I certainly hope everything is going well, as it’s our first holiday where we will travel with the car. It will be really tiring, driving so many hours but we split it up in 2 days. Let’s hope everything will go as hoped and we won’t have any accident!

So far, there are already a few things that I hope to visit which are Carcassonne, Barcelona and Andorra. In Carcassonne, there is a huge castle from very old times. It’s really huge from what I could see from the different photo’s there are on the Internet. I think it will be easy to fill a complete day there!!  What I have seen so far is that there are many things to visit in Barcelona, so probably we will need more than 1 day to spend there. Let’s hope thats enough! When we are driving from France to Spain, we hope to be able to pass by Andorra. It’s such a tiny country and I hope we have some time left to visit it there as well!

I have the feeling, just like other years, that there will be much more that we want to visit and see and not enough time to do so. So we will have to make choices on what to see. But I think it should not be too bad! I can’t wait to be there!

But first I have to survive 2 more weeks at work… Slowly it’s coming closer and I can count down more and more 🙂 Let’s hope I won’t get ill before that time!

“What if you can’t remember who’s standing in front of you? The face is familiar, but you have no idea what name belongs to that face. Your wife tells you it’s ‘Sarah’ but you have no idea. A vague memory of what once was the past.. when you were still strong and  looking at life with a happy and joyfull mind. But things have changed over the years, the more weeks pass by the less your head seems to remember. Slowly it seems life turned it’s back on you.. “

Within our small family, we have a man who is 86 years old and he has been diagnosed with dementia almost 2 years ago. He suffered from a heart problem in the middle of the night during weekends. His doctor where he always goes, is not around at those moments, so some one else who can be called will come. Sadly enough, the doctor was terrified and was not sure about how to handle, so he gave him morfine and called an ambulance. He was admitted to Intensive Care and it took a few days before he was ‘back’. But he did came back.. After some time, the doctors in the hospital found a medicine that would help, but the damage was already started at that time.. A few months later, something similar happened. Luckily enough, no morfine this time, but again on Intensive Care. I heard that IC leaves an impression to people who have been lying there…

Either way.. from that moment on, it always went more and more the wrong way.. there’s no way back. You can’t turn. Especially for his wife, must it be terrible to see how the man you’ve lived with for the past 60 years or longer is slowly becoming a stranger. Also for me, this is a strange feeling/idea that the man who survived World War II, who was so very strong, is now at times, not even able to eat his dinner or lunch independent. It hurts me even more when I go to visit them and he does not remember my name. Things are now so far that in the near future his wife won’t be able to take care of him and he will have to move to a home for the elderly, where he can get the care he needs. None of us saw this coming, but it hurts terribly to see how a man once so strong, happy and joyful in life now somehow is losing contact with the world….