Author: Sarah

that’s how I currently feel.. As if I cannot achieve anything in my life.. This sadness just hit me and it feels as if it will stay there for the rest of the day..

My exam, last Friday was not good, it was below average, like I always did, only now this was not enough, you need at least average to have enough and having passed that exam… I studied – I don’t know how many – hours, possibly even days to be able to get all that knowledge into my head. It seems that a big part of it was not meant to stay in there and so it vanished. Leave me alone at my exam, not knowing what to answer. I could recognize that I saw it somewhere during the studying but I couldnt see it before me anymore.. You can compare it to a part of a song that you hear on the radio but cannot recall anymore who was the artist singing nor what the title was.. that was also how I felt. Most of all, I felt and still feel like a complete loser. I skipped so many things, all to make sure that I would have more time to study, but even then it seems like it was not enough. When I think back at when I was still at university, I had subjects where I was really good at and then I scored above average, but there were sadly enough also subjects where I had below average. Back then, having scored 50% of the total was enough to be sucessfull. So no one never really bothered about below or above average. But now people do..

Thinking about work and how I have disappointed them, just breaks my heart. Especially if I see with all the things that I ‘received’ for the coming year.. I guess it was also partly based on me passing that exam. And now I didn’t and I feel like I have received to much, something that belongs to other colleagues who really deserve this much more than I do. I feel like a loser, stupid and somehow as if I’m standing all alone in this world of really smart people, with just being average smart. And right now, me feeling smart is really far away.

I wonder that perhaps this job that I’m currently doing is just too hard for me?