Author: Sarah

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About Miro..

It’s been almost 2 weeks now that Miro’s gone and I still miss him.. There’s no day that passes when Im looking at where his cage was.. it’s not only an empty space on the cupboard but he also left an empty space in my heart..

Let’s go back to the week before, after the day that I found him with such a big lump at his neck.. It made me really worried, especially since his age. So I went to the vet with him on Friday. The vet told me that I would have to cherish every moment when he’d be there and prepare for the worst.. It made me very sad, knowing that the end really was coming closer for Miro..
So from then on, every evening, Miro and me watched TV together. The more days passed, the more Miro slept while watching TV. But I feel he enjoyed every moment together. When he was still very young, I had made him a blanket out of fleece material. He always liked to have it as his hole where he could hide and sleep!
On those days when we had been watching TV together, when I put him back into his hole, he was waiting until I would close his hole again with the blanket. It was cute to see but on the other hand it also made me realise how bad he must have felt himself..
One day, I was checking on the lump, to see if it had become bigger, and Miro let me know with a very tiny not hurtful bite that he didn’t like me touching the lump. So I left it alone from then on..
More and more days passed and on Friday evening, exact one week after I had discovered the lump, I went to a concert. In the evening I asked Arthur to check on Miro as I was really worried. I was very reliefed when Arthur messaged me back to let me know everything was fine with Miro..
On Saturday, the next day, in the morning I checked to see how Miro was doing. (As I always did ever since we went to the vet) The check was rather easy.. Lift the blanket a little, just so that I could see him, and then when I could see him breathe, I was happy and closed the blanket again. Only on Saturday, I also checked, and he didn’t move.. Miro was still a little warm.. my biggest fear & worry came true.. Miro had made his way to the rainbow bridge.. 🙁

It really made me sad, to see him leave like this.. however I’m thankful for every extra day he tried to stay with us and for all the love and attention he gave to us..
After all, Miro became 2 years, 9 months, 1 week and 4 days..
So he was very very old…needless to say that I miss him very much….

 

~To my dearest Miro;

Take good care of yourself and hopefully we’ll meet again one day at the rainbow bridge ~

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Miro…

Earlier today, my dear hammie Miro got up.. Happy and enthousiast as always he ran around in his cage.. Yesterday we celebrated his 2 years and 8 months.. It’s always so great to see him everyday and when he is sitting besides me, he’s so sweet..

Only today, I found something that somewhat worries me.. Im not sure if it’s serious or not, but when I look at his age.. I’m afraid there will be one day when he won’t wake up anymore for me… Then he will sleep and wait for me at the rainbow bridge..

Every day that Miro stays longer with me, makes that Im very thankfull and makes me smile..

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A Light!

Finally, a light!

First of all, thank you Moonwoolf for the reactions. They did cheer me up!

Secondly, I finally decided on a Sarah Day! Just a complete day, only for me, just a little selfish me day.

What I will do? I decided it would be good to take a closer look to my closet and the way I’m dressed. Since this is part of me feeling unhappy from time to time, I booked a day at a consultant who helps you with which colours and which style is making you look better, without actually changing anything to your body, but just by changing the clothes or wearing clothes differently.

At first, I was a little sceptic, not knowing if investing in that rather small expensive gift for myself would be the thing that would make me happy but after talking to the lady who does the analysis and gives the advises, I’m in. Quite a lot of time I had the feeling she understand what I mean and that she can teach me what I should and should not do. Awesome!
I hope she can somehow learn me to touch that button to let me feel proud and happy of myself. Or as I sometimes feel when I came back from the hairdresser: just on a little cloud, my very own cloud, just being proud about myself!

Let’s wait and see if that can happen, but I somehow have the feeling that it will be possible.

Februari 28th will be my own day.

I know it’s not a day widely accepted, but that day, will this year be my very own Sarah Day! 🙂

Now I will head to the postcards, lettersets, pen and envelopes to write postcards and letters….

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Until….

Not sure what why and how, but I feel terrible.. useless, sad, as if I’d better take my car and find the nearest tree…

I’m not sure what has caused me to feel like this, but I certainly know that the fact things are so strange at work, make me feel more unhappy and alone than happy and joyful.

In the year that I work here now, I never felt longer than a month happy with my place. I don’t know if this unhappyness means I should leave my job. I also don’t know what I should be doing then if I’d leave my job. The economic situation is currently so bad and since I’m junior in everything that I do, it will be hard and not easy to get hired somewhere. There are so many colleagues who are having a close friend, someone they work with but at the same time, feels the other one. From so many colleagues there’s not really anyone making that click. I’m too silent, shy and afraid and I am uncertain about myself, why should I be a good consultant?

There’s nothing of all my personality that is somehow fitting into the image that I have of a perfect consultant. How can I ever become one than, if I feel I don’t have any of those qualities?

Also the work that I currently do, in the year that I work here now, I have worked and saw every screen but the screens I should see. The things I applied for. The more I think about it, the more I feel like a terrible failure.

And there’s only one solution to ‘erase’ or get rid of that terrible failure….

I don’t know what to do, nor what to think or feel. But even in my private life, I barely have any close friends that I can talk to face to face. I do have some really supporting penpals, but whenever something’s wrong, I can’t call anyone to ask for any kind of help. There’s barely anyone out there for me.

The only thing that I wish for right now, is just the presence of something sharp…

… and that I can use it freely, without any doubt or anyone stopping me on my arms.

Just going up and down..

Until the pain inside of me goes away

Until it’s all gone

Until no one expects anything anymore from me

Until ….

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Pink – Sober

I don’t wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don’t wanna be that call at 4 o’clock in the morning
‘Cos I’m the only one you know in the world that won’t be home

Aahh the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That’s not the way I want my story to end

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re like protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don’t wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me cause it screams the truth
Please don’t tell me that we had that conversation
I won’t remember, save your breath, ‘cos what’s the use?

Aahh, the night is calling?
And it whispers to me softly come and play
But I, I am falling
And If I let myself go I’m the only one to blame

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I’m coming down, coming down, coming down
Spinning ’round, spinning ’round, spinning ’round
Looking for myself – SOBER (x2)

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good till it goes bad
Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryna find a fit

Ooo Oooo

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober

OOooo OOoo

No Pain
Inside
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?

Will I ever feel this good sober?
Tell me, No no no no no pain
How do I feel this good sober?